How to Get Your Toddler to Make Dinner

It was a grey and rainy afternoon. Zach had just woken up from his nap and my husband wouldn’t be home for two more hours. I had a sinus infection and had no desire to move, but explain that to a toddler…

I had to make something for dinner, so while Zach trashed explored the kitchen cabinets I pulled out a bean curry I had made the night before. It needed some greens, so I quickly chopped up some kale. I was about to toss it into the pot (hello, automatic pilot) when I realized something:

bored toddler + chopped kale = practical life heaven!

I told him I needed his help, put him in the tower and helped him to wash his hands. Then I put the kale in a bowl and showed him how to transfer it to the pot. I stood back and let my little chef get to work. Pure bliss for both of us!

PS: I know I should make him an apron. It’s on my to-do list entitled “Things to make at 3am when I can’t sleep because I’m thinking of everything I have to do“.

Not Knowing

Feeling stressed out about answering your children’s questions?  My newest post on MariaMontessori.com might be the answer you’re looking for!

 

Show & Tell

It might seem like Montessori parents like to show off what their children can do: “Look, my baby can drink from a glass!  My toddler can slice a cucumber!”  But honestly, our excitement has nothing to do with bragging.  At least for me, sharing my son’s accomplishments is about telling other people: “Look what YOUR child is capable of, and imagine the sense of competence YOUR child can develop!”

Parents who are new to Montessori often observe a classroom and think: “My child would never fit in.  He’s not capable of doing what those children can, or of behaving like those children do.”  I want you to know that, although all children develop at their own pace, your child CAN become self-sufficient at an early age.  Why is this important?  Because research confirms that children whose independence is supported feel capable of dealing with life’s challenges, have a higher sense of self-worth, and tend to have a more intrinsic motivation to learn.

Remember, too, that it’s never too late to modify your approach if you realize you have been holding back your child.  You might get some resistance at first, but if you know what every child is capable of, it will be easier for you to transmit trust and confidence to your child.

Here’s a great perspective from the book “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years” by Jane Nelsen:

When a baby is born, she is all but helpless.  It takes days, weeks, and months before she learns to control her own movements, reach and grasp, and walk on her own.  In her early weeks and months, your job as her parent is to keep her safe, to tend to her needs, to comfort her when she cries, and to be patient – very patient.  But as she grows into toddlerhood, you may be surprised at how much she can do that can help her develop a sense of capability.  On the other hand, if you do too much for her (in the name of love), she is likely to form the belief that she is not capable… Words alone are not powerful enough to build a sense of competence and confidence in children.  Capability comes from experiences of accomplishment and self-sufficiency, and from developing solid skills.

Why Boring is Good

You might think that the home of a Montessori teacher is like a miniature classroom, with shelf after shelf of perfect little materials and not a plastic object in sight. That might be true for some teachers’ homes, but not for ours! We have a little cupboard that holds a few activities: musical instruments, a basket of containers, nesting cups, and a couple of books. He also has a Ball Tower, a basket with assorted balls, a push toy, and a couple of stacking toys.  That’s pretty much it.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t have time to make beautiful little trays with activities Zach might benefit from.  But then I realize that his entire day provides plenty of opportunities for physical and mental development.

I want to share some of the things we do during the day so that if you’re in the same boat as me (working, cooking, cleaning) you will feel better knowing that when you give your toddler the opportunity to engage in the activities of daily life, you provide all the stimulation he needs. No cute trays or expensive materials required!

Toileting: He goes to the bathroom as part of his daily routine: upon waking, before and after meals, before and after naps, before leaving the house and upon returning, and before bedtime.  Apart from the obvious benefit of helping him develop independence, care of self and awareness, it’s also a wonderful time to engage one-on-one without distractions.  We sing songs, read books, or just look into each other’s eyes and smile.  He loves to empty his potty into the toilet (!!!), open the wipes container, and pull out a wipe, which are great opportunities to practice fine and gross motor skills (and help me develop nerves of steel).

Dressing and undressing: Zach sits on a stool in his room, then I tell him the name of each piece of clothing and explain what I’m going to do before I do it.  He helps by undoing the velcro on his shoes, lifting his arms and feet to put on his shirt and socks, and pulling off his shirt once I get it up around his head.  These activities help him develop language, independence, care of self, sequencing, order, and fine and gross motor skills.

Cooking: On the days I don’t have to go to work, he helps me to make breakfast by picking the eggs and scrambling them in a bowl.  Then he watches the rest of the cooking process from his Learning Tower.  Cooking is a great opportunity to develop independence and coordination.  It also lets him see that he’s contributing to family’s well-being, and allows him to develop patience.  Cooking is actually exposing him to a myriad different subjects, from language to chemistry to botany, although he doesn’t know it yet!

Mealtimes: He eats breakfast and dinner with mom and dad, using silverware (with a little help), real china, and a glass & pitcher.  He has lunch and post-nap snack at his weaning table, and is even learning how to pour a smoothie from his pitcher to his glass!  We are working on establishing a clean-up routine that keeps him engaged, because right now he’s more interested in dashing off to play than in sponging up spills (this will come with age…).  Meals allow him to practice grace & courtesy, and help him develop fine motor skills and independence.  Meals are also prime opportunities for establishing and upholding limits, and letting him experience natural and logical consequences. 

Play: Zach has lots of time for free, unstructured play, both at the park and at home.  At the park he’s free to roam, check out other kids’ toys, climb structures and go down the slide, and play in the sand.  I stay in one spot, approaching him only if he’s in danger of falling from a play structure or if he’s engaging in inappropriate behavior (like mistreating someone’s toy or eating someone’s snack).  These activities offer countless opportunities for developing gross & fine motor skills, independence, problem-solving abilities, social skills, and risk assessment. I have to say I underestimated the importance of socialization for young toddlers.  He has learned so much (both the good and the not-so-good) from watching other children who are slightly older.  He often gets into heated “arguments” over a toy.  These encounters sometimes end in tears but more often than not the two children figure things out on their own!  At home he can play with his toys, look at books, or work outdoors transferring dirt from one container to another.  We also put on music and dance!  I let him take the lead on what he wants to do.  If he seems restless indoors, I simply open the door to the patio and normally that will spur him into action.

Over the months, I’ve tried taking Zach to baby yoga, music & dance classes, baby sign language… You name it!  It seemed like “everyone” was doing it, and I wanted to see what the hype was about.  I quickly discovered that – at least for my child – these classes do not provide much benefit and are really just an added stress that interferes with our routine.  Adults welcome change in their day, and I know many moms find these classes a great opportunity to socialize, but babies can find the hectic schedule difficult to handle.  What has worked best for us is a steady, rhythmic, predictable day.  Boring is good: knowing what comes next gives your baby security, and it lets you prepare an environment that will support his growth.  No cute trays or expensive materials required!

The Zen of Cooking with Toddlers

You know that useless, in-the-way feeling you get when you’re a guest at someone’s house and they won’t let you help? I’ve always wondered if that’s how young children feel in their own homes when we exclude them from practical tasks. We buy them little kitchens, wooden food items, and plastic tea sets, but perhaps what they really want is to participate in our daily activities!

Case in point: One day, around the time of his first birthday, Zach began screaming and pulling at my pant leg while I was cooking. To avoid ending up with my pants around my ankles, I threw on a sling and popped him on my hip. I went back to my work and the crying immediately stopped.

At first I thought this was because he had gotten what he wanted: to be carried. But then I noticed that he was intensely focused on the chopped vegetables I was transferring to a pot. His eyes followed my hand as it moved from the chopping board to the pressure cooker and back.

I leaned in over the chopping board and told him to grab some chard. He took a small amount in his chubby fist and I moved over to the stove. I held my hand under his arm so he wouldn’t accidentally burn himself on the pot and he dropped in the vegetables. We repeated the procedure a dozen times, until we eventually ran out of chard, which led to a cry of protest on his part.

We’ve repeated this transferring activity a few times since that day. This is a messy process since many veggies miss their intended target, but his engagement and concentration make the clean-up worthwhile.

However, I knew that he couldn’t possibly associate what he tossed in the pot at 3pm with what he ate for dinner three hours later. I wanted him to experience an entire cycle, from prepping to cooking to eating.

Recently, my husband and sister-in-law made a Learning Tower for Zach. They used this tutorial, but you can also buy a pre-built tower online. I also ordered a few items from For Small Hands, among them a child-sized mixing bowl and whisk.

I told my 14-month old that he would be helping me to make scrambled eggs for breakfast. I put him in the tower, helped him wash his hands, and set out the necessary tools and ingredients. I stood to his right side and cracked three eggs into the bowl, making sure my movements were slow and methodical, so he could absorb each step.

I started whisking the eggs while holding the bowl, and then offered the whisk to Zach. He immediately caught on and began imitating my movements with surprisingly little mess. I kept one hand on the bowl and tipped it slightly in his direction so he could see the contents. At one point, he gingerly put his fingers into the bowl. I thought he might start making a mess, but he just felt around for a few seconds and pulled out his hand.

While we worked, the oil was heating up in the pan. I showed Zach how to season the eggs, then moved his tower close to the stove (but at a safe distance to avoid any oil splatter from reaching him). He watched attentively as I poured the eggs into the pan.

The first time we did this activity, he started screaming as soon as he realized the eggs scrambling in the pan were his breakfast – he wanted to eat NOW! I talked him through the waiting process, knowing that he needed to experience the entire cycle. When we cooked together again a few mornings later, he was able to maintain his composure until the eggs were ready.

Parents always want to know how they can “do Montessori” at home.

One word: COOK.

PS: For more inspiration, check out Home Grown Montessori’s post on cooking with children. This amazing momma/Montessori guide (and good friend) involves her children in just about every household activity, with beautiful results!

A Place for the Potty

We have two of the world’s tiniest bathrooms, so when I decided 7 months ago that I would help Zach develop toileting awareness, I had to find a way to incorporate potties and clean & dirty underwear bins into pretty tight spaces.   Our arrangement has worked out beautifully, which is great because I spend a big chunk of my day kneeling by the potty!  We use the Baby Bjorn high backed potty, and I got the underwear bins at the Container Store.  We keep a couple of books on rotation between the potty and the bin… And that’s it!  Proof that you can ALWAYS find effective ways to modify the environment to accommodate your child’s changing needs.

 

 

Protecting the Natural Mind

It’s one of the questions that divides Montessorians: What would Maria Montessori think about children and technology? Some tend to think that Dr. Montessori – as a forward thinker – would embrace technology and incorporate it into the classroom. Others take the opposite viewpoint, arguing that although technology has evolved at a rapid pace over the past 100 years, brain development has not. They feel that the classroom should only offer activities that support the way children’s brains naturally develop.

A trainer once told me: “When in doubt, turn to Montessori’s books. All of the answers are there.” Dr. Montessori is not around to put the technology debate to rest, but her words are. I recently found a transcript of one of her speeches, which addresses the issue of technology and human development. She gave this speech at the 21st International Course in London, in 1935-36 (a course that covered education for ages 3-12). It was published in the AMI journal Communications 2009/2.

She summarizes the topic of her talk as being “about the supra mind – the intelligence of man, and the product of the constructive work of the child.” She argues that primitive man developed his senses, physical abilities, and speech to their maximum potential as a means of survival. She calls these abilities “natural intelligence” or “the natural mind of man” and they represent “the development of the human being to the greatest possible degree”.

Dr. Montessori then uses the prefix “supra-” (from the same Latin word meaning ‘above’) to refer to all that goes beyond what primitive man knew or was exposed to. Therefore, “supra environment” refers to the technological advances man has created, whereby “instead of walking on his feet, [man] uses some mechanism, for instance the wheel; or he makes use of the wind to sail his boat.” The importance of the supra environment lies in its impact on the human brain. Through the creation and evolution of technology, “man is increasing his power. This development is not just of his body; it is of his intelligence. Supra man means the intelligence which adapts itself to a supra environment.”

The supra mind gives man incredible powers. In her florid Victorian prose, Dr. Montessori explains that man “is the lord of the whole earth. He possesses the visible and the invisible, and he can create everything as if he were omnipotent.” However, the irony is that these endowments have become “a bitter source of suffering… There is no creature who acts more cruelly than man himself”.  She argues that this incongruity stems from the adults’ misunderstanding of the needs of children:

“The external development of this supra world is more and more complicated as we go on, so that more and more protection is needed for the child who is building his natural mind… The child has to develop his [natural] intelligence in order that it may grow still more in adapting itself to the present environment.”

The key phrase here is “natural mind”. Dr. Montessori is making the point that the child first has to cultivate the foundational elements of human development. In a sense, each child has to travel the well-worn path of evolution. It is our role as adults to help in this work of creation by removing obstacles and protecting concentration, but she notes that we are often “busy with [our] own pursuits” and “defend [ourselves] from the child and isolate the child”, thereby repressing his developmental energies.

The methods of repression and isolation have changed over the decades: children were once locked away in nurseries and are now abandoned in front of the TV. However, the consequences remain the same. A child who is not allowed to freely pursue his own development will never know what he is capable of. He will have “an imperfect self-consciousness and what psychoanalysts call the ‘inferiority complex’,” which results in “…the wish to possess and dominate.”

Dr. Montessori goes a step further in the analysis of the phenomenon:

“This lessening of the personality of the child… also comes from lack of liberty in the joys of his own work. The difference for us resides in the instinct to work, and this does not derive from a mere notion (as psychoanalytic theory did), but from our experience that it is work which normalizes.”

We should note that “work” in Montessori has always referred to freely chosen, open-ended, productive hands-on activities that not only allow the child to learn a skill or concept but, more importantly, support his psychological development at each stage of growth.  A normalized child is one who can “become conscious of his own powers”, and with our guidance will understand the destiny of humanity. This child will then be able not only to adapt to the supra environment on his own, but also “realize his own greatness and beauty and… go forward and reign.”

In this powerful and timeless speech, Dr. Montessori is calling on adults to protect the child’s natural development by giving him the freedom to engage in work that will strengthen his mind, body and spirit. A child who is allowed to develop fully in the first years of life becomes a leader who adapts easily to the modern world and uses his talents for the benefit of all.