Floor Bed Confidential

It seems like there are two major complaints when it comes to using a floor bed: the baby rolls off while sleeping and/or the baby crawls off to explore the room instead of staying put and falling asleep.  I’ve experienced both situations, and I hope that I can provide some encouragement and realistic expectations for parents going through the same scenarios.  Because the truth is, when used correctly, the floor bed is an amazing tool for supporting your child’s development, both mental and physical.

Before we get to the solutions, let’s discuss the main purposes of the floor bed: encouraging independence, allowing the development of the child’s will, and supporting their need for movement.  A child on a floor bed can get in and out on her own as soon as she can slither, thereby reducing her dependence on adults and increasing her sense of self-reliance.  This experience supports the development of the will, wherein the child formulates a goal, tries different strategies, accomplishes her mission, and feels successful.  And all the while, her need for free movement is being supported, because she can use each skill (focusing her eyes, rolling, slithering, crawling) as soon as she develops it.

Like any other Montessori developmental aid (including mobiles, weaning table & chair, and every single Montessori material), it is important to introduce the floor bed at the right time.  Failure to do so can result in reduced effectiveness and increased frustration for both parent and child.

The best time to introduce the floor bed is a few weeks after birth.  At first, the newborn should sleep in a bassinet that allows unobstructed views of her surroundings.  However, around the time that recognizable sleep patterns are established and before the child is rolling, she should transition to the floor bed.  Each child and each family is different; you can read about how I transitioned my son from the bassinet in our room to the floor bed in his room here.

Transitioning your child at the right time doesn’t mean that you won’t encounter challenges.  Once your baby starts rolling, chances are she’ll probably roll off the floor bed at some point.  This seems like a bad thing, but consider it from your child’s viewpoint: she’s free to move and practice her new skill; she’s developing an awareness of borders (which will come in handy when she navigates stairs and transitions to a “big kid bed”); and she’s experiencing the consequences of moving past those borders.  

Many families find that a soft rug or blanket placed just next to the floor bed is all that’s needed to cushion the baby’s “fall” (which in reality is not more than a few inches).  Some parents find that they can gently move their baby back to the bed without waking them, while others (like me) prefer to let the baby snooze on the floor.  If your child is particularly active while sleeping (like mine is), and she’s at the stage where she’s able to slither on and off her mattress at will, you can also try placing a rolled towel at the edge of the bed under the fitted sheet, or investing in the wonderful IKEA Kura loft bed (minus the slats, so the mattress rests on the floor).  This set-up won’t hinder a child’s independence as long as you show her how to get in and out, and will provide the support they need to stay on the mattress. 

The more stressful challenge to parents is when the child starts slithering and decides to move off the bed to explore her room, instead of staying in bed and falling asleep.  While frustrating to adults, we must remember that this is exactly what the floor bed is designed to do – encourage independence and develop the will.  You can read here about what happened when we decided to follow our child’s lead.

The best piece of advice I can give parents who are going through this phase is to keep their child’s room as sparse as possible.  On the shelves the child can reach, place only a few carefully selected items for her to explore and leave them there, always in the same order.  Don’t make the bedroom her activity or play area or feature lots of new and interesting objects at her eye-level, because this will encourage her to get out of bed and go see what’s new.  She will certainly crawl out when she first develops the ability to do so, but once the novelty fades, if there’s nothing new for her to explore in her room she’ll be more interested in resting (because all that slithering and crawling is exhausting!).

Many parents make the transition from crib to a floor bed after the child is slithering or crawling, expect them to just stay put and fall asleep, and feel frustrated when this doesn’t happen.  When a young child is given freedom, she’ll use it to further her development.  She can’t not.  It’s an evolutionary mandate.  If you’ve chosen to give your child the freedom to move, then you can’t be angry at them when they take full advantage of it!  Be patient, provide a predictable routine and clear expectations, and gently re-direct back to the bed as many times as necessary each evening.  I assure you that with consistency and realistic expectations will come success, and your child will reap the long-term benefits of the floor bed!

The One Thing I’ll NEVER Do as a Parent

When I was pregnant, people who knew I was a Montessori guide would say: “Wow, you’re going to be such an amazing mom!” My standard, humble reply was: “I’ll be a mom, like any other mom.”

But deep down inside, I had my list of things I was sure I would NEVER do, buy or use as a parent. That list was long and it was judgemental.

My mom and her best friend took me shopping for baby items. “You’ll need bottles,” they said. Of course not, I’ll breastfeed on demand.

Sippy cups? Waste of money, my child will go from breast to glass.

Pacifiers? My child is not a sink that needs plugging. How would YOU like a piece of plastic inserted in your mouth?

Stroller? I’ll babywear, thank you very much. And I’ll make my own wraps while I’m at it.

Co-sleeping? Goes against the child’s need for independence and will interfere with my marriage!

Puffs? Who would feed their child little bits of cardboard?

Disposable diapers? Only cloth for my child!

You get the picture. And, if you are a parent, you can probably tell what happened next. (You can stop laughing now.)

Zach came into our lives, and my “Never” list went out the window.

No disposable diapers? I was on bedrest for two weeks after giving birth, so they were out of the question until I was able to do laundry. And traveling with cloth? You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

No pacifier? After eight weeks of the “nurse baby until he falls asleep, then unlatch and watch in dismay as baby wakes up, rinse and repeat” routine, I bought five different brands of pacifiers. Zach took a pacifier for three merciful nights, and then started sucking his index and middle finger. Hallelujah, praise the Lord.

No stroller? Sure, I made my own slings and wraps, got an Ergo, and wore my baby religiously (front, side, and back carry) – until he got so freaking heavy that my back started giving out. Now I love our BOB almost as much as I love coffee. And that’s a lot.

No bottles? Zach demanded breast milk ferociously every 90 minutes, day and night, for the first three months of life. I still remember the first day I pumped and was able to leave my baby with my husband for more than an hour while I went to get a haircut. The clouds parted, the angels sang, and I bought stock in Tommee Tippee.

No sippy cups? Because taking IKEA glasses to the park makes perfect sense, right?

No puffs? Take a hungry 99 percentile toddler with no capacity for delayed gratification to a restaurant and you’ll be throwing puffs at him faster than you can say “we’ll take our food to-go”.

No co-sleeping? While Zach has been sleeping in his own room since he was about 6 weeks old, there are plenty of nights (especially when he’s teething or sick) where he’ll come into our room at 2:00am. Thank goodness for king-sized beds, is all I can say.

So, after two years of parenthood, is there anything I will absolutely NEVER do? Yes.

I will absolutely NEVER say never again.

Weaning Chair and Table

Recently I’ve been getting requests from readers for pictures and measurements for the weaning chair and table my husband built for Zach.  We got the measurements from a dear friend and Montessori consultant, Jeanne-Marie Paynel of Voila Montessori.  She has graciously made these resources available to parents everywhere at this link.  Please consider donating to support her efforts and help her continue to share her amazing knowledge.  I hope this helps!!

 

Floor Bed Round-Up

Zachary on his floor bed at 5 months of age.

I’ve been getting a few questions about floor beds, so I thought I’d do a quick round-up of what I’ve written so far and share my experiences… Hope someone finds it helpful!

Floor bed and infant development:

http://www.voilamontessori.com/en/guest-post-the-floor-bed/

With a floor bed, the child calls (some of) the shots:

http://www.voilamontessori.com/en/guest-post-the-floor-bed-part-2/

Quick overview of sleep arrangements from infancy through toddlerhood:

http://www.voilamontessori.com/en/eat-poop-sleep-part-iv-sleeping-by-pilar-bewley/

Transitioning your infant from your room to their own (and from bassinet to floor bed):

https://thefullmontessori.wordpress.com/2012/06/20/bedroom-transition-29/

Modifications for a toddler who loves to roll:

https://thefullmontessori.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/how-to-montessori-your-home/ 

If baby rolls off the floor bed:

https://thefullmontessori.wordpress.com/2012/08/21/dog-days-of-summer/

and…

https://thefullmontessori.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/things-that-go-thump-in-the-night/

Stop Doing Montessori, Start Living Montessori

When you’re new to Montessori, it’s easy – and quite common – to get sidetracked by the concept of the Montessori materials.  They are certainly fascinating objects, and parents often spend lots of time and money either buying authentic Montessori materials for the home or creating “Montessori-inspired” activities in hopes that their child will be transformed into a focused, self-controlled, and creative little person.

The time has come to put away your wallet, laminating machine, and hot glue gun. You can buy or make materials until you’re blue in the face, but it is highly unlikely that building a Pink Tower or transferring pom-poms will help your child reap the true benefits of Montessori if you ignore the principles of the philosophy.

I invite you to stop DOING Montessori and start LIVING Montessori.

Begin with three simple steps…

1. Understand the sensitive periods: During the first six years of life, all children experience finite periods of heightened interest in the following four areas of development: order (placement of objects in the environment, sequence of daily routines, etc.); language (interest in making sounds, then forming words, then learning the sounds of the letters); senses (first developing all five senses and then refining them); and movement (first developing the ability to move and then refining coordination).

By educating yourself on the sensitive periods, you can start to notice when your child is entering a particular phase.  You can then analyze your home life to see if you’re providing enough support for your child during these important times.  For example, if your child is entering the sensitive period for order, you should make sure that toys are always put away in the same spots and that routines are followed in the same order every day.

I recommend reading the descriptions on the sensitive periods in the book “Montessori From the Start“.  Even if you don’t have time to read the entire book, do yourself a favor and read the excellent outlines of these important phases in your child’s life.

2. Understand the human tendencies: Adults and children alike need to satisfy certain drives in order to thrive and feel fulfilled.  Dr. Montessori identified these qualities and created an approach to human development that supports these human needs.

In an excellent article about the human tendencies, Julia Volkman explains: “We are all driven to communicate, socialize, imitate, explore (we are curious), move, be exact/precise, concentrate, repeat, maintain/discover order, achieve independence, realize perfection/control errors/improve ourselves, control ourselves (physically, intellectually, emotionally) and work.”

Read the article in its entirety to gain a deeper understanding of the human tendencies.  Then, spend some time observing your child as he plays and interacts with others.  Note how he manifests these tendencies and think about how you can support them through experiences in nature, family life, cultural experiences, etc.

3. Learn to observe: Dr. Montessori wrote that teachers (and anyone who wanted to understand children) should have the soul of a scientist.  Scientists spend hours and hours observing their subjects and taking objective notes about their behaviors; Montessori teachers do the same.  They don’t jump to conclusions or get emotional about what they are seeing.  They simply sit down, observe what the child is doing, and take notes without interfering (unless someone’s safety is at stake or a material is being mistreated).

After a period of observation, they look over their notes and make educated conclusions about the child’s needs based on their knowledge of the sensitive periods and human tendencies.  You can observe your child all day long, but if you don’t know what to look for (see #1 and #2), you won’t know how to support his development!  Here’s a worthwhile article from the amazing blog “How We Montessori” on observing in the home environment.

Observation notes can seem boring to the untrained eye.  But from those dull details springs forth a colorful picture of a child you might not be familiar with, because you’ve always been too busy trying to direct his activity to see him for who he really is (I speak from experience…).

I’ll address other concepts in a future post, but I guarantee that by simply focusing on these three steps you will begin to see your child in a completely new light – the light of his untapped potential.

 

 

Let Them Eat Dirt

There’s a nanny at the park whom I befriended way back when Zach was a newborn.  We often chatted while Zach rolled around on a blanket, then later crawled on the grass eating leaves, and eventually toddled around on the playground.  Last year she became pregnant and recently had a baby girl, whom she cares for while she nannies.

Watching Zachary take a tumble and get back up again without complaining, she turned to me and said: “I am going to raise my child like you are raising Zach.  I’m going to let her eat dirt and fall down.  Your son is resilient, and the freedom you gave him made him that way.”

I’m glad someone understands there’s a method to my madness.

How to Montessori Your Home

Welcome!  Come on in… I’m Zach and this is my home.  I was born in my parents’ bedroom upstairs and have spent my entire life – a whopping 16 months – living here.  I love what my parents have done with the place and I want to share my favorite spots with you.

Let’s begin in the kitchen.  When I started being strong enough to open the drawers on my own, my mom had to do some re-arranging.  She moved all the chemicals to the bathroom (the only cabinet in the house with a child-proof lock).  She put her glass tupperware in a higher drawer so I wouldn’t accidentally break it while playing with the other containers, and she moved the silverware (except the sharp knives) down to a low drawer so I could have access to it.  Other than that, she left everything else as it was.  A few times I tried investigating the delicate items she had in some of the drawers, but she would come over and tell me “no, those are not for you”.  She would then show me which drawers I could play with.  Now I know!  I got my fingers caught in the heavy drawers a couple of times, but now I’m really skilled at closing them.  My favorite item in the kitchen is my dad’s old blender.  I spend hours assembling and disassembling it!

Next to the kitchen is the little wooden cupboard where I keep my toys.  My mom found it at a swap meet and I love it because it’s the perfect size for me!  We keep my cars in one basket on the floor and my balls in another.  Mommy says baskets are great, and I agree!  I especially like to dump everything out of them and then put things back (or walk away and leave a giant mess behind, depending on my mood).

Next to my toys is my weaning table.  This is where I had my first meal with a bowl and a spoon!  When I first used the table, at 4 months of age, I needed help sitting up.  Now, all mom has to say is: “It’s time to eat!” and I run to my table, pull out my chair, and sit down on my own!  Sometimes I share my weaning table with my friend James.  We have so much fun eating lunch together!  My dad and my aunt Debbie made the weaning table from plywood he had lying around in the basement.  They also built my Learning Tower, which we move into the kitchen when I need to wash my hands or help with the cooking.  I hope one day I can be as crafty as they are.

I have breakfast and dinner with mom and dad at the dining room table.  I have a Tripp-Trapp chair that was a present from my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins.  I love knowing that my entire family has contributed to my independence.  I am learning to climb in and out of the chair on my own, and it’s so nice to share meals with mom and dad.  We always light a candle and use real china, silverware, and glasses.  I love feeding myself, which can get a little messy but it’s also a lot of fun.  I’ve broken a couple of glasses and plates, but now I have a lot of respect for them.  I am so careful, that now I am in charge of taking the plates and silverware to the table when it’s time for dinner!

OK, moving along… Squeeze by the couch and follow me outside.  Here are my geraniums, which I water every day (I’m working on getting more water into the pots and less water on the floor).  Over there is my water source, and my watering can.  I quickly learned how to get water to come out of the spigot, and now I can fill my own watering can.  My mom put a large container underneath to catch spills, and an old cooling rack serves as a surface for resting my watering can.  I also have a pot with a lot of dirt, and an almost-empty pot that I am slowly filling up with dirt and toys and pinecones and rocks and everything else I find in the patio.  My mom always says that she needs to “put more work into the outdoor environment”, but actually this is my favorite spot in the entire house!

Let’s come back inside.  Careful with those steps, you might want to hold on to the low railing my dad installed so I could go up and down the steps on my own.  This way, I can get to the bathroom when I have to use the potty.  Here’s my little toilet; I have another one upstairs.  Here are my underwear and my books.  Mom and I spend a lot of time here, reading books, singing songs, and waiting for me to do my business.  When I pee or poop, I proudly empty my potty into the toilet on my own, while my mom flinches and tries to pretend like she’s not dying to help me.

Oh, look, right outside the bathroom is the dogs’ water bowl.  I used to make a giant mess every time I walked by – I couldn’t resist turning over the bowl and spilling the water everywhere!  I’m much more mature now; I notice when it’s empty and take it to my mom so she can fill it up.  She didn’t understand me the first time I took it to her and said “agua“.  She told me, “No, there’s no water in the bowl right now”.  Moms can be so dense!  I persisted, and eventually she understood and got really excited at my new “level of awareness”, which is what she called it when she told daddy.  Call it whatever you want, mom, but someone had to give the dogs water!

Let’s go upstairs.  Mind the gate at the bottom of the stairs, which nowadays is only used for keeping the dogs downstairs.  We still use the one at the top of the stairs when mom has to take a shower and I am hanging out  upstairs.

Here’s my bedroom.  I slept on a floor bed for many months.  It was a crib mattress placed on the floor, and I really enjoyed the freedom it gave me to explore my room after my nap or if I wasn’t feeling sleepy.  Unfortunately, I am a big-time roller, and in the winter I would roll out of bed and get very cold sleeping on the wood floor.  My parents found the perfect solution: this neat bed from IKEA!  Instead of using slats to raise the mattress off the floor (like the original design intended), my dad came up with the idea of putting the mattress on the floor so that there would be a low wall surrounding it.  There’s a little entry/exit built into one end of the bed’s frame, but I’m also really good at climbing in and out the side of the bed (I landed on my face the first few times I tried this, but now I’m a real pro).  Next to the bed is my stool and my laundry hamper.  Mom says I’m a wiggle worm; she tries to get me to sit down to get dressed, but I often end up running around the room half-naked.  However, I do love to put my dirty clothes into the hamper!

In the upstairs bathroom I have a stool to reach the counter so I can brush my teeth, and I also have another potty like the one downstairs.  In my parents’ room I have a few toys on a shelf, which I mostly use only when mommy is getting dressed.  This was my movement area when I was younger; I had my mobiles, mirror, and a bar for pulling up and cruising.  We’ll soon turn it back into a climbing wall so I can give mom more heart attacks start bouldering!

Well, that’s it, folks!  I hope you’ve enjoyed the tour of our Montessori home…  Thanks for visiting, come back soon!

Show & Tell

It might seem like Montessori parents like to show off what their children can do: “Look, my baby can drink from a glass!  My toddler can slice a cucumber!”  But honestly, our excitement has nothing to do with bragging.  At least for me, sharing my son’s accomplishments is about telling other people: “Look what YOUR child is capable of, and imagine the sense of competence YOUR child can develop!”

Parents who are new to Montessori often observe a classroom and think: “My child would never fit in.  He’s not capable of doing what those children can, or of behaving like those children do.”  I want you to know that, although all children develop at their own pace, your child CAN become self-sufficient at an early age.  Why is this important?  Because research confirms that children whose independence is supported feel capable of dealing with life’s challenges, have a higher sense of self-worth, and tend to have a more intrinsic motivation to learn.

Remember, too, that it’s never too late to modify your approach if you realize you have been holding back your child.  You might get some resistance at first, but if you know what every child is capable of, it will be easier for you to transmit trust and confidence to your child.

Here’s a great perspective from the book “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years” by Jane Nelsen:

When a baby is born, she is all but helpless.  It takes days, weeks, and months before she learns to control her own movements, reach and grasp, and walk on her own.  In her early weeks and months, your job as her parent is to keep her safe, to tend to her needs, to comfort her when she cries, and to be patient – very patient.  But as she grows into toddlerhood, you may be surprised at how much she can do that can help her develop a sense of capability.  On the other hand, if you do too much for her (in the name of love), she is likely to form the belief that she is not capable… Words alone are not powerful enough to build a sense of competence and confidence in children.  Capability comes from experiences of accomplishment and self-sufficiency, and from developing solid skills.

Supporting Independence

“I wish they would stay at this age forever,” commented the father of one-year-old twins.

“My little boy is growing up too fast,” lamented a friend on Facebook.

“If I wean my baby, I feel like I’m losing my connection with her,” a fellow mom admitted.

We can’t deny that from the moment of birth, our babies demonstrate an unstoppable drive towards functional and intellectual independence.  A few moments after leaving the womb, if given the right environmental conditions, babies start working hard to focus their eyes and take in their immediate surroundings.  They struggle mightily to control their limbs and only a few months later begin to roll, crawl, and stand.  They discover food and try eagerly to communicate their desire to partake in mealtimes.

Fast forward a year or so and you’d be deaf to not hear the battle cry of the toddler: “Help me to do it by myself!”  The “terrible twos” are nothing more than the child’s struggle to assert his independence in a world that’s not ready to support it.

The elementary-aged child who has mastered the ability to dress, groom, and feed himself now has another goal in mind: “Help me to think for myself!”  And the adolescent, so much the contrarian at times, simply wants to play an active role in a society that doesn’t acknowledge his potential. 

If Nature has endowed the human species with this unstoppable drive, then shouldn’t our role as parents be to support it, nurture it, celebrate it, and remove obstacles from its path?

There’s a reason Maria Montessori stressed the importance of reality: it helps us accept life as it is, and not get lost in a fantasy world of things as we wish they could be.  So let’s accept what is happening: our children are growing up.  Instead of fighting Nature and handicapping our children’s development in the process, let’s protect and guide this growth!

Keep your children away from negative media influences that will warp their perspective.  Choose your words wisely so they transmit trust and confidence in their abilities.  Set clear and reasonable limits and enforce them with determination.  Take deep breaths when shoes take ten minutes to get tied, shirts are worn inside-out, plates break, and the pancakes get burned.

Give them time and freedom to explore, discover, make mistakes, deal with consequences, get into problems, find creative solutions, ask for help, assist someone in need, and eventually to discover why they’re on this planet.

Cherish those sweet memories of the past, but leave them there.  Celebrate your child’s present achievements, not with a “good job” but by acknowledging their new abilities and incorporating them into your expectations.  Open your arms wide to receive your child in a hug, but then turn towards the future and spread them even wider to let him fly free.

Breaking Bread

My twelve-month old son loves LOVES bread.  If it were up to him, he’d eat nothing but bread at all three meals.  When he was younger, I could give him his food and then offer a piece of bread and he’d be content with the arrangement, but now that he’s keenly aware of the goings-on at the dinner table, he’s realized that there’s bread available at dinnertime.  Of course, to him that means that he can have bread instead of all the other food, and he’s prepared to throw a tantrum to get his way.  Being of Spanish descent, I’m not about to give up eating bread with a meal just because Zach is still developing impulse control.  Quite the opposite: I now make it a point to include bread with dinner precisely so he can work on this skill.

I recently read this insightful post by Janet Lansbury, and thinking of her advice helped me stay calm during a recent limit-setting opportunity.  Here’s what transpired…

We were having a tasty minestrone soup for dinner, with our usual bread.  Zach ate a couple of spoonfuls of soup, saw that his dad was eating bread with the soup, and decided he simply had to have bread.  He pointed wildly at the bread and made loud noises, so I said “You want some bread with your soup” and gave him a smallish piece.  He happily ate his bread and when it was gone he demanded some more.  I told him: “First you need to eat more soup and then you can have bread.”  I offered him a spoonful of soup and, as you might imagine, he lost it.

He gave an infuriated wail and then went into “silent-turning-purple” crying.  “He’s winding up,” my husband announced and sure enough, Zach finally let out a loud angry cry.  It took everything I had not to hand over the bread, not so much because his crying bothered me, but because I know it stresses my husband, and that in turn stresses me.  “First have some soup and then you may have some bread,” I repeated calmly, offering another spoonful.  Zach wailed and babbled, presumably telling me how much he wanted bread.  “I understand you want bread,” I said.  “But you also need to eat soup.”

He kept crying so my husband and I went back to eating our own soup.  It certainly wasn’t fun to eat while he screamed, but I had a feeling that this was a powerful teaching moment to help him understand that tantruming was not the way to achieve his goals.  Every couple of minutes I offered a spoonful of soup and he batted it away.  Without reacting, I would put the spoon down and go back to my meal.  Zach eventually saw he wasn’t getting anywhere with all the crying, so he calmed down.  I offered him some soup and he accepted several spoonfuls.  Then he gestured for bread and I gave him some.  Now, here comes the cool part: He finished his bread and not only did he not ask for more, but he grabbed for the spoon to have more soup!  We finished the rest of the meal in peace, with only a glistening crocodile tear on Zach’s cheek as a reminder of his outburst.

Last night we again had bread with our meal, and enjoyed all the food peacefully and in a balanced manner.  Will this be the last tantrum?  Hardly!  But I was glad to see that even at 12 months of age, children can understand limits and begin to develop impulse control.  And I was relieved that I was strong enough to maintain my resolve and composure during a crying fit, because that – not bread – is what he was really asking for.