Raising Creative Problem-Solvers

Do you constantly referee children’s disagreements?  Do you tend to side with one child, frustrating the other?  Or do you offer solutions, only to be ignored?  If you’re nodding in response to any of these questions, this will help…

The scenario:

My 4.5-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son share a room.  It’s the only place in the house where they’re allowed to play LEGOs, so the plastic pieces don’t take over our living room/homeschool area. Both kids love LEGOs, but my older son likes to listen to audiobooks while he builds, and my younger daughter prefers to work in a quiet space.  This causes quite a few arguments and screaming matches. They both came to me frustrated and in need of help to share their living space.  It was the perfect opportunity to engage in problem-solving through brainstorming!

Step 1: State the problem

I asked them a few guided questions to come up with a statement defining the problem.  We determined the problem was “Difficulty building LEGOs at the same time in the same room with different noise preferences.”  Try to state the problem as clearly and precisely as possible, to encourage effective brainstorming.

Step 2: Brainstorm solutions

I told them they were both creative problem-solvers and we’d use their skills to find a solution that works for everyone.  During brainstorming, possible solutions are written down without being evaluated.  Anything goes, even the craziest solutions.  You might have to remind children (and yourself) of this because our brains are wired to immediately weigh solutions for their effectiveness, and it can be hard to sit with the discomfort of what are clearly implausible answers.

If you’re worried that the children will waste your time coming up with useless harebrained solutions, remember that they are motivated to solve their problem.  If you don’t react and just write down their ideas, they’ll eventually refocus on tangible solutions.  Plus, some of those crazy solutions are a great way to let them exercise their imagination (and who knows, they just might work)!  Resist the temptation to offer suggestions, even though you can probably see a clear path towards an amicable solution if they just did what you think is best.  This is their problem, and they have to own the solution by coming up with it.  You can act as the scribe so they can focus on finding solutions.

My children’s brainstorming list included:

• wear wireless headphones;
• be allowed to play LEGOs downstairs;
• lower the volume of the audiobook;
• take turns using the room (while the other person plays non-LEGO games downstairs);
• no more audiobooks;
• put up with the noise;
• read books downstairs;
• play in the room together listening to audiobooks part of the time and without audiobooks the other part.

Step 3: Eliminate implausible solutions

Once they’ve exhausted their ideas, review the list with them and tell them that they get to cross out any ideas that don’t meet the following criteria:

• Respectful (to all involved, including bystanders),
• Realistic (ideas you can execute within the boundaries of your environment),
• Related (the solution must attempt to solve the problem)
• Helpful (improves the lives of all involved)

Keep the process objective by focusing the four criteria.  If a child says, “That idea is dumb,” you can invite them to elaborate by asking, “Is it respectful? Realistic? Related?  Helpful?”  Here you CAN give your opinion, but only after your children have had their turn nixing ideas.  In our situation:

• They realized that their ideas to “put up with the noise” and “ban audiobooks” weren’t respectful, so they crossed those out.
• The suggestion to “read books downstairs” wasn’t related to the problem.
• They’d tried “lowering the volume” in the past, but my daughter was still able to hear it and it meant that my son had to have one ear glued to the device, so that wasn’t realistic.
• I wasn’t comfortable with my son walking around with wireless headphones all day for several reasons (health, safety, disconnection, etc.), so I mentioned this and we crossed that one out.
• “Playing LEGOs downstairs” isn’t realistic or respectful because we know from experience that the little plastic pieces quickly overtake our common living/learning area. It goes against the boundaries of our environment, so it was eliminated.

Step 4: Choose one solution from the ones remaining

By the end of this process, the children were down to two solutions: “play in the room together listening to audiobooks part of the time and without audiobooks the other part” and “take turns using the room and playing something else downstairs.”  They chose the latter, and we discussed the details of how that would look (the younger one plays downstairs from wake-up to lunch, and then they switch in the afternoon).  Then I told them that we’d try the solution for one week, and revisit it to make adjustments if necessary.

Step 5: Set them up for success

This is where YOU come in.  Your role is to help them adapt their routine, environment, and expectations so they can stick to the solution for the week.  Without a solid plan, it’s very easy to fall back into old habits (and arguments).  You are there to hold boundaries, remind them of their solution, and empathize if things aren’t working out the way they envisioned.

Solutions are rarely perfect at first, and require fine-tuning.  Observe what’s working and what isn’t, so you can guide their follow-up session.  For example, two days into the trial period, my daughter approached me with a different solution.  I acknowledged her viewpoint, reminded her of our agreement, and told her we would revisit the solution in five more days.

I’ve used this Positive Discipline approach with children in my Montessori environments for years, and after a few guided sessions, the children begin to use it on their own.  It’s a fantastic way to empower them, raise creative critical thinkers, and remove yourself from the middle.  Let me know if you try it, I’d love to hear how it goes.

Why Boring is Good

You might think that the home of a Montessori teacher is like a miniature classroom, with shelf after shelf of perfect little materials and not a plastic object in sight. That might be true for some teachers’ homes, but not for ours! We have a little cupboard that holds a few activities: musical instruments, a basket of containers, nesting cups, and a couple of books. He also has a Ball Tower, a basket with assorted balls, a push toy, and a couple of stacking toys.  That’s pretty much it.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t have time to make beautiful little trays with activities Zach might benefit from.  But then I realize that his entire day provides plenty of opportunities for physical and mental development.

I want to share some of the things we do during the day so that if you’re in the same boat as me (working, cooking, cleaning) you will feel better knowing that when you give your toddler the opportunity to engage in the activities of daily life, you provide all the stimulation he needs. No cute trays or expensive materials required!

Toileting: He goes to the bathroom as part of his daily routine: upon waking, before and after meals, before and after naps, before leaving the house and upon returning, and before bedtime.  Apart from the obvious benefit of helping him develop independence, care of self and awareness, it’s also a wonderful time to engage one-on-one without distractions.  We sing songs, read books, or just look into each other’s eyes and smile.  He loves to empty his potty into the toilet (!!!), open the wipes container, and pull out a wipe, which are great opportunities to practice fine and gross motor skills (and help me develop nerves of steel).

Dressing and undressing: Zach sits on a stool in his room, then I tell him the name of each piece of clothing and explain what I’m going to do before I do it.  He helps by undoing the velcro on his shoes, lifting his arms and feet to put on his shirt and socks, and pulling off his shirt once I get it up around his head.  These activities help him develop language, independence, care of self, sequencing, order, and fine and gross motor skills.

Cooking: On the days I don’t have to go to work, he helps me to make breakfast by picking the eggs and scrambling them in a bowl.  Then he watches the rest of the cooking process from his Learning Tower.  Cooking is a great opportunity to develop independence and coordination.  It also lets him see that he’s contributing to family’s well-being, and allows him to develop patience.  Cooking is actually exposing him to a myriad different subjects, from language to chemistry to botany, although he doesn’t know it yet!

Mealtimes: He eats breakfast and dinner with mom and dad, using silverware (with a little help), real china, and a glass & pitcher.  He has lunch and post-nap snack at his weaning table, and is even learning how to pour a smoothie from his pitcher to his glass!  We are working on establishing a clean-up routine that keeps him engaged, because right now he’s more interested in dashing off to play than in sponging up spills (this will come with age…).  Meals allow him to practice grace & courtesy, and help him develop fine motor skills and independence.  Meals are also prime opportunities for establishing and upholding limits, and letting him experience natural and logical consequences. 

Play: Zach has lots of time for free, unstructured play, both at the park and at home.  At the park he’s free to roam, check out other kids’ toys, climb structures and go down the slide, and play in the sand.  I stay in one spot, approaching him only if he’s in danger of falling from a play structure or if he’s engaging in inappropriate behavior (like mistreating someone’s toy or eating someone’s snack).  These activities offer countless opportunities for developing gross & fine motor skills, independence, problem-solving abilities, social skills, and risk assessment. I have to say I underestimated the importance of socialization for young toddlers.  He has learned so much (both the good and the not-so-good) from watching other children who are slightly older.  He often gets into heated “arguments” over a toy.  These encounters sometimes end in tears but more often than not the two children figure things out on their own!  At home he can play with his toys, look at books, or work outdoors transferring dirt from one container to another.  We also put on music and dance!  I let him take the lead on what he wants to do.  If he seems restless indoors, I simply open the door to the patio and normally that will spur him into action.

Over the months, I’ve tried taking Zach to baby yoga, music & dance classes, baby sign language… You name it!  It seemed like “everyone” was doing it, and I wanted to see what the hype was about.  I quickly discovered that – at least for my child – these classes do not provide much benefit and are really just an added stress that interferes with our routine.  Adults welcome change in their day, and I know many moms find these classes a great opportunity to socialize, but babies can find the hectic schedule difficult to handle.  What has worked best for us is a steady, rhythmic, predictable day.  Boring is good: knowing what comes next gives your baby security, and it lets you prepare an environment that will support his growth.  No cute trays or expensive materials required!

Fantasy/Imagination/Reality

There seems to be a huge amount of confusion surrounding the concepts of fantasy, imagination, and reality, as well as their relationship to creativity.  It seems like every few weeks I get asked a question related to this.  I recently received a comment from a reader, and I wanted to share it – and my response – in hopes of clarifying some of the confusion around these concepts.  Click the link to read the comment and my answer…

https://thefullmontessori.wordpress.com/2013/02/22/supporting-independence/#comment-926